[old.refrain]

Old Writings Of Angst 3

i remember writing this after a particularly bad exam, when i'd have mock NEET tests every Sunday, and my life felt like a cycle of exams I could never get right and hiding in my room trying to recover. how these systems that trap us make us blame ourselves, make us feel like captive animals ready to chew our own limbs for a way out.

the strings that attach my soul together into some semblance of sanity
were wrenched right out of me
right through the holes I already carried in the walls of my heart
and past the puncture wounds i left on my arms
i'm only a corpse now
my voice comes back to me in screams
and I'm afraid it'll be scratchy
forever, whatever that means [1]

my life is floating around me in pieces
that i can only imitate
when i pretend to my family that i'm alive
or that I want to be

but how were you going to
communicate hope to the corpse
i'm only broken words now
so why does it still hurt?

if i was drowning before,
today took any gold that was left from my shipwreck
and made sure to clear the remnants of Atlantis
so that a myth couldn't get any ideas in my head

each monster i read about growing up, i recognise now
even if it was only to give a face to this,
a direction to run from
so I wouldn't admit that everywhere was unsafe

and I could pretend i wasn't allowed there
instead of fighting for my life
in that goddamn colloseum
and no one sees a worthy battle
i lose before I even bleed out
a crowd of strangers can see my achilles heel
but they don't get why the rest of me isn't powerful
so they take away my second chances
and hope the animal they choose to replace me
has more of a fighting spirit.

[ 1. line from 'Stoned at the Nail Salon' by Lorde ]