I wrote this when applying to a Bachelor's program in Life Sciences, it made sense to put it up here as it's where the idea of "old refrain" came from.
As a child, carefree and playing in the sand, entranced by fantasy books and learning at my parents' feet that anything was possible, I'd want to end up a hero. I'd describe a castle and gardens with tea parties. I'd want dragons and sword fights and to be surrounded by friends. I dreamt of being a writer, weaving new worlds and telling their stories.
Around 14, I loved nothing more than music and pictured going around the world in tour buses. A life of stage lights and studios, to write music to spread hope, and be remembered for it. I was concerned with what I would leave behind, how I could make my life matter. I wanted to change the world.
When I had to decide, I chose to be honest, and see what mattered about each of my previous dreams, so I could carry the essence of my past versions into what I'd dedicate my life to. I want to help. I want to offer hope, warmth and answers to people.
The world can feel like wreckage sometimes and if the wars and the politicians, the forest fires and disease are an old refrain, then so is love. There may be lustre and layers of irony to any act of love,convincing people we've lost our way but I say we haven't. When you turn off the news and go outside, you'll see a mother carrying her child in her arms, friends laughing and lovers holding hands. This is where I fell in love with Biology, it tells us - through evolution and mutualistic associations and the reason behind metabolism - that we're built to survive, to struggle as a community and beat the odds over and over.
I see the natural world, the careful web that was our duty to care for, to maintain, and right now, it's dying. If you'd give me the chance, I'd like to be there and listen when nature makes its case. With my degree, I want to work against climate change, or help advances in immunology and public health, or understand neuroscience and psychology so we're better equipped to improve mental health.
Research can fill the gaps in our knowledge so we can revolutionise our approach to treating cancer patients or dealing with trauma, preventing species from going extinct or formulating policies and guidelines to balance our ecosystem. I enjoy diving deeper into a single topic and testing my limits. I'm at my best when I'm not restricted to the kind of structure that comes with most other career paths, and I could put to use the imagination and creativity I've spent my time building in this line of work.
I could take 17 years of reaching for the whole of the night sky and stepping back because it was too much, of not quite fitting in and deciding I was meant to watch from my corner, to write about desire with my feet stuck in the ground, and I could finally go out into the world and work hard enough to stand on my own feet, and make a life of my own choosing. I know what it is to long to be understood but to live in the dark, so I'm always going to care enough and take my role seriously and weave empathy into anything I do.
Growing up has been a twisted journey and the pieces of the life I knew keep fragmenting and shifting. Studying Science in the coaching institute format has brought on stifling competition and pressure, to the point where you feel destined to fail. It's like a Greek chorus, where performers in masks surround the character, warning her of her fate. It is being on stage with other people but not seeing their faces, and not being able to step out because you feel trapped by the narrative.
But it's brought me perspective, an appreciation for what could come from holding on for so long. And even if I have exit wounds, they'll remind me of what it means to begin again, to have hit a dead end and refused to believe what it told me and to find a place where I could belong.