you think you're alone or at least sort of weird and niche and just, really different, a strange occurence in the cosmos
best case scenario: fascinating museum specimen floating in formaldehyde.
worst case scenario: a mistake, a lapse in judgement, the black hole getting blacker on the inside and screaming but left there because that is what it is, and that is what it's meant for.
autophagy; the cell eating itself when it is starved and starved and has ripped away it's layers of carbohydrate, protein and fat. and it is alive so it needs to eat and it eats itself. it has died a thousand deaths in trying to stay alive.
but then, putting that aside for a second, thinking two women, a room with little light, breathing each other in, doing that thing cells do to each other and finding it sweet and good and finding death and hell and blasphemy so holy that they forgive themselves.
thinking a woman, seeing the curved marked up surfaces, cysts and bumps and scars and thinking beautiful, good, mine seeing you in the way you were too terrified to see yourself knowing it is supposed to be wrong as a child, fourteen, fifteen, maybe much earlier. in that life history written by naturalists who have not known nature the way nature would want. she sees you and feels love, desire, passion, want all mapped out over her heart that you are holding in your hands and you are terrified now only of not getting to keep it there.
so you are learning it all again, living a thousand new lives when you had tried to die. and you think, this is mine. and nobody is coming into what's mine and putting down their rules on it. you think, there is bad and wrong in this world, but it doesn't have to live inside you. and maybe, you can be a little ugly and rough around the edges but so is she and you still want her so much and so maybe this body is something worthy and what makes it beautiful is that it is yours and it keeps you in this worlld.
and what you make may be unfurnished and small and not profound but it has value because it is yours.
you start up the tv and there is a group of women you understand because you have those same things in you and whose stories are written by women like you amd everything is complex and beautiful and allowed again.